Looks like it's a boy this time! :)

I'm feeling lots better. I found out part of why I was feeling so awful - somehow the flu followed me across the country (I thought I was being sneaky but it was sneakier I guess) and finally caught me here. The last few days haven't been puking my guts out sick, but after much exercise I feel sore and achy and my skin feels all ouchy and I'm flushed and exhausted. So I've taken a little time to rest and am starting to feel better.

We're staying in this temporary housing for now, so I unpacked the few things in our suitcases and got some Christmas decorations to put up around the apartment. Going to Illuminations (oh, how I missed that store) and to The Body Shop and getting bubble bath, then getting a wreath and poinsettias really did wonders for my soul. I feel like life's moving on, at least a little. :)

Ooh, and look at these trees we got from Illuminations! We didn't get the containers to put them in or the ice crystal-looking things or the floating candles. I have it set up a little differently (and less expensively!) in our apartment. But the trees are GORGEOUS! They're blown glass.



Now for the reason for my title -

So I talked with my cousin (well, actually my cousin's daughter, so technically she's my first cousin once removed) and she's totally on board with the adoption and really wants us to have the baby. She was nervous when we first started talking but once we chatted about the openness level we were both looking for with the adoption and saw how similar we were, she sounded SO happy. She had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby *thinks* two days ago, and called me again to tell me that while the baby was being a little shy, the doctor thinks it's a boy. :) So it sounds like we'll need to get a different carseat *laugh*, but we're happy to do that.

She had a meeting with her case worker earlier this week and is planning to tell them she's chosen us, so we're looking forward to getting things up and running on that end as soon as possible.

I'm very happy. I'm also very scared. Once burned, twice shy as the saying goes. But I'm taking deep breaths and praying that things will work out if it's the right decision and . . . we'll see how it goes. :)

My most appreciated and hated side effect of SSRIs

I can't cry.

Ok, saying that without qualification is untrue. I *can* cry, but it's incredibly difficult. When we found out we wouldn't be adopting the little girl, I cried off and on for several days. And when we left North Carolina and said goodbye to people, I shed a few tears.

But here's the thing. It just stops by itself, without warning, after just a few minutes (if that long). Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I'm not going around all emotional like I used to be. Crying at the drop of a hat or the first sign of a criticism isn't how I want to live. It's just really weird, feeling stress and frustration building up inside of my body and not feeling like I can just sit in a hot bathtub and cry it out.

I really wish I could cry right now. My body feels like a pressure cooker.

Kev starts his new job tomorrow, and is sick. We've just moved, and we went from being in a house all snug and cozy to getting it ready to show to getting everything packed and moved to flying all day to Seattle and staying with Kev's parents for a couple of days to a temporary living situation to a probable OTHER temporary living situation to . . . who knows? I feel like I can't even unpack. I hate that.

I want to work and put money away, but it's looking like we may be adopting my cousin's baby in a few months. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled. It's just that I just barely found out about it two days ago and I feel like I really don't have any idea of what's going on. But the back of my mind is worried she'll pull the plug on things like what happened before, so I don't know what to do - I don't want to sit around for four months, but I don't want to start something and take off after four months, either.

My mom isn't talking to me. And Kev's mom is in the middle of a bunch of crises of her own. We just found out my darling little niece has juvenile diabetes, my uncle is having heart problems, I haven't heard from Sara and that always worries me, and I'm trying to get my sister-in-law to get on medication so she can be happier in her marriage and do something with her life. My dad and his wife have been dealing with Susan's drug burned daughter and her mental issues. I feel like there's no one I can lean on right now because they all need to lean themselves.

I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like everything is up in the air. I feel so. alone. And what I want more than anything is to put my head on the table and just sob till the pressure and stress and fear are all gone.

But I can't. *sigh*

General factual bulemia right now :)

I'm in the binging part; on Thursday we'll start the purging. Doesn't that paint a lovely picture? ;)

So we're moving back to Seattle from the Raleigh area where we are now. Like, Thursday. Five freaking days. I'm not really sure how I feel about things - I think it's happening so fast I'm getting kind of a ripping off of a bandaid effect - quick and shocking, but without much time to think about the pain (or anything else).

Kev starts his new job on December 3. I have a few days to play when we get there and catch up with some friends and an old boss of mine, and then it's off to find a full-time job. It's insane. Our house hasn't sold yet but we are hopeful it will soon - we've had good feedback so far. We'd also like to get into a house in Washington somewhat soon as well. We won't be able to afford anything like we have here, but at least it'll be a place of our own, and should start appreciating again relatively soon.

Christmas is coming - got main presents for Kevin, his mom, his siblings and their families, and myself. Still have a lot to do. Not sure how we'll pay for everything this year - finances are stretched really tight - but we'll manage. It should get a little easier when I start working again.

We have a showing for like 30 realtors Tuesday morning, and then the movers come on Wednesday and Thursday. We leave Thursday afternoon, so still need to get someone to supervise after we've gone to the airport and find a good reputable place to come after we're gone and do a thorough cleaning of everything.

Adoption stuff is slow, but we might be taking in an 18-year-old if all works out that way. Still in the very beginning stages on that, and Kev wants a little time to think about it as well, understandably.

AND, I'm starting to prepare for my GRE. Hope to take that in late spring or during the summer, but have months of studying to do between now and then.

My mom's still not talking to me. We're on our third month right now. I'm sad she feels the way she does, but I really don't think I could take the extra pressure trying to keep her happy entails right now. But I want to have a better attitude that way.

Last day of church in NC tomorrow. No idea what ward we'll be in in WA. Still don't know where Microsoft is putting us up when we get there, but if push comes to shove we can move in with Kev's parents for now.

Sheesh - when I type it all out (and this is only a partial list, though it's all the big stuff), no wonder I feel like I want to hide my head under a rock for the next six months. How in the world is all this going to come together?

*sigh* I hate stress. Unfortunately, stress seems to love me.

Yummy!

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth. You are overpowering and dominant - and that's what people like about you. You bring energy and a new direction to most interactions. People crave you in a serious way. You're that important to them. Those who like you give into their impulses. You don't represent reason. You represent pure temptation. People get addicted to you rather easily. You offer people a dark side that is very hard to resist.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

What's a good moving song?

Life's crazy right now. We're moving back to Washington state very soon - in fact, Kev's scheduled to start work back at Microsoft on December 3. So that means these next few weeks are going to be somewhat intense. :S

But there's also wonderful stuff coming up - my friend Jennifer is coming to visit next week (hooray!) and we'll be having Thanksgiving with our friends Robin and Mike and several of their relatives. So it'll be busy - which is a good thing, since I tend to become a bit of a snapping turtle when it's moving time. It's a defense mechanism I've picked up from all the moving I've done in my life. But I'm trying really hard not to pull into my shell right now, to keep talking with friends here even though I know it'll hurt more to leave them. I don't want to exist; I want to live. And part of living means experiencing hurt. And that hurt is just a sign of the wonderful things you had beforehand. So I'll try!

Have Bunko on Friday - my turn to host - and our realtor will be coming by on Monday to get the measurements for our house and get everything done that way. I just keep telling myself it'll all be done soon and out of my hands. Although I'm stressed, I'm not nearly so flustered as I was before Kev got his job offer when I didn't know what was going to happen. Thank you God for small blessings to get us through the difficult times!

So I told Jennifer I'd put up my version of her "Crazy 8s" entry . . . guess now's as good a time as any!

8 Things I'm Passionate About
1. The true meaning of and need for feminism
2. Adoption
3. Teaching
4. Psychology and sociology
5. My husband <3
6. Developing my artistic gifts
7. The genocide in Darfur
8. Loyalty towards those I hold dear in my life

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Visit the Middle East (Afghanistan especially)
2. Serve a humanitarian mission
3. Adopt children
4. Learn American Sign Language
5. Learn Adobe Photoshop *laugh*
6. Walk along the Great Wall of China
7. Get a tattoo
8. Get my Master's Degree

8 Things I Say Often
1. Be safe!
2. I love you.
3. Rad!
4. Does that make sense?
5. Nanaaaaaaa . . .
6. How's it goin?
7. I understand.

8 TV Shows I've Recently Watched
1. Robin Hood <3
2. The Office
We don't have cable right now and we don't get much reception, so those are it - I watch them online. *laugh*

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
1. Walkin' on Sunshine
2. Somebody
3. My Immortal
4. Because of You
5. White and Nerdy (yes, I'm a dork)
6. Call and Answer
7. Fields of Gold
8. Out is Through

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends
1. Their willingness to laugh at the world and themselves
2. Each of their gentle spirits
3. They share of themselves and are there for me to do the same
4. They're introspective
5. They're quirky in wonderful ways
6. They're opinionated
7. I can be at surface with them and they with me
8. They are trustworthy and loyal

8 Things I've Learned this Past Year
1. Antidepressants can be a wonderul thing.
2. Hives are NOT a wonderful thing. ;)
3. Don't count people out - just because they might not completely understand you, many still care and want to help as best they can.
4. Pregnancies and miscarriages can take multiple forms.
5. I have the power and the opportunity to be a source of goodness to those I care about. I can help lighten another's load even when my own seems unbearably heavy.
6. God remembered Rachel - and I have to have faith He will remember me too.
7. My relationship with Kevin is immensely strong, and is a sense of security for both of us when the world around us seems so dark and frightening.
8. Gardening is not my strong suit, but I can make annuals look pretty. *laugh*

A song to lift my spirits

Sigh no more, ladies,
Sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever;

One foot in sea,
And one on shore,
To one thing constant never.

Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny

Converting all
Your songs of woe
Into, Hey, Nonny, Nonny.

Isn't it weird the random things that make us feel better? :)

At least this one tells me I can be nasty :)

But I like cold apple cider . . .

You Are Apple Cider

Smooth and comforting. But downright nasty when cold.

What Part of Fall Are You?

*laugh* I really should just stop.

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

AGAIN?!?

ANOTHER quiz telling me I'm cute? *rolls eyes* Oh well, I guess it could be worse. They could all call me a bi*ch or something. ;)

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Looks like that's it . . . for now.

So I heard back from LDS Family Services on Monday night - they aren't willing to litigate Randi's case. They say it's too risky. I really don't think it would span years and years . . . we're not talking about a guy with a lot of money here . . . but their decision is final, and at least it's done.

I called Randi to offer to persue litigation on this end, but I haven't heard back. Considering I haven't heard back from her since we last talked over a week ago, I think the silence is my answer. For whatever reason, she's done. It is very saddening to me, but I also understand that she's been under an immense amount of stress with all of this and likely just feels she can't continue to fight.

So now that the door is closed, Kevin and I are searching for an open window.

We updated our website: www.ourforeverfamily.net is the link to it. It's nearly completed, now, and I will add a link to it on our adoption profile through LDS Family Services.

We're seeing if a friend of ours would be willing to come up with a drawing to go on a business card-like thing where we'll list our website. If he has time and wants to, we should be able to get things printed off and looking good shortly. And then we'll just spam them to everyone we know. :) The more people that know, the better chance we have of finding the right ones.

If I'm sounding like I'm totally over it, I'm not. I'm still heartbroken. But I recognize that I've done everything that I can, and that the decisions now are ones I have no control over. If Randi changes her mind and wants to fight, we'll be there in a heartbeat. But if not, then investing the energy back into the adoption process is . . . healing? . . . in a way. I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile in an otherwise powerless situation.

Other than that, I'm making myself stay busy. Kev and I are going to the state fair on Saturday and I'm hoping to start working full-time during the holiday season sometime soon. And, of course, Kev's busy getting job stuff figured out and we may be moving toward the first of the year. Sooooo . . . yeah. *laugh* Much to do, and not much time to do it in. But I'm better emotionally when I'm busy.

Went to the doctor on Monday afternoon and found out I have a staph infection. :( Just on my toes, it looks like, but the doctor has me on serious antibiotics (like 875? mg of amoxicillin and 125 of something else, twice a day) to take care of things. Fortunately it's not making me sick. I can't stand sitting on the couch unable to function anymore. :)

Listened to a really helpful and inspiring talk from General Conference yesterday that humbled my heart and helped me rekindle my faith. You can find it here: http://www.lds.org/conference/sessions/display/0,5239,49-1-775,00.html

It's the talk from Elder Spencer J. Condie. I'll link to the text when it comes out.

It was one of those talks where you know it wasn't meant JUST for you, but it sure feels that way. Thank you, Elder Condie.

My cycle of grief

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

-Omar Khayyam

I mentioned this poem to a friend of mine last not too long ago. It's something that's stuck with me for a long time - since college, in fact, over eight years ago. The words both comfort and haunt me right now.

For our adoption to fall through when we were so close to finally being able to welcome a child into our home has been a painful thing both for Kev and myself this week. It would be easier if the birth mom had changed her mind and *wanted* to keep the baby. To know that she feels forced into a corner by the man who got her pregnant and she's making the decision out of fear and worry makes it harder for me. I have no doubt that she'll be as good a mom as she can possibly be, but this isn't what any of us wanted. And I die a little inside when I think of that beautiful baby girl being raised by someone who has a wonderful heart but neither the time nor the resources to give her what she will need.

And now, the 'big sister,' the 'mother bear,' the 'fixer,' has to sit back on her hands and watch other people make decisions that change my whole life. I'm truly powerless to do much of anything at this point unless Randi decides she wants to continue to fight to place the child with us. And I can't blame her if she can't continue that fight anymore.

I know there will be other children, other birth mothers, other adoptions. But this little girl was already wanted, prepared for and loved by us. And I'm having a hard time letting go.