Good-bye, fishies. :(

Today it was final. I went to the pet store and gave back my beloved fish. With the moving, baby coming, and general chaos I wasn't taking good enough care of them. I didn't want them to die on me, and I figured they'd have a better chance of being fed and paid attention to at the store.

Ok, I know, they're FISH. But I was kind of sad as I wished them good-bye. I've had most of them for a year, and they were my way of spending some of my nurturing energy during a time where I was feeling rather broken in the baby-having process. They gave me an outlet to learn about pets, take care of them, and watch them in their tank doing their fishy things on sleepless nights. They were a good way for me to cope and concentrate on something else for a while.

We'll likely get more fish when we're established here and Samantha's several months old. That'll be fun. Until then, bye Phoebe 1-8, Naomi, Minnie, Shadow, Colonel Pickering, Winthrop, Dodger, and I-really-need-to-name-that-little-guy. Thanks for helping me through this past year. :) Swim safely.

It's gotta be the belly.

So I've noticed something over the past few weeks. People, particularly of the male variety, are very friendly to me right now. Not in a drooling, breast-oogling way, but in a way that shows interest and a bit of friendly flirtation.

Now, to be perfectly rational, it could just be my vanity or my wish to be found attractive at 34 weeks pregnant. *laugh* But seriously - almost everywhere I go, some random guy starts grinning and chatting with me.

Now, four or so years ago, the reason for this extra attention was a little more obvious - I was down to my ideal weight, had a sensational hair stylist, wore attractive clothes, and felt AMAZING. I had people tell me that their teenage daughters commented to them that I was "so pretty" or even "hot." People looked at me a little longer, and went out of their way a little more frequently to help me. Classmates commented on how they wanted to look like me and all in all, I felt pretty damn gorgeous. (This isn't said to try to be a total narcissist - this was the first time in my life where I felt this way for months at a time and it was almost giddy feeling like I looked like I'd felt for most of my life)

Now, though? HAHAHA. Between the health problems over the past couple of years and now the pregnancy, I've put on (literally) about 80 pounds. None of my normal clothes fit me in the slightest, and my maternity clothes are too nice for me to wear around when I'm getting work done on the new house. So I'm usually in sweats with an elastic waistband and one of Kev's old t-shirts (one if not both of these items usually have paint or cleaning stuff on them), hair washed but not done up, no makeup, and slippers. I am not someone that people would normally look twice at, and I've noticed that, in the past, as I've gained weight I've become more and more "invisible" to most people around me.

Until the pregnant tummy showed up around 32 weeks. For a while it looked like it was maybe pregnancy and maybe just fat. Now though, it's obvious. And I love it. I love feeling my little girl inside of me, squirming and kicking and punching her mommy. I don't always love the pressure on my cervix or the toes wrapped around my ribs, but I love knowing that her little life is there and that I get to meet her soon.

So I don't know if my attitude has to do with it - but I've certainly been happy other days when I wasn't pregnant . . . So I really think there's some draw about having a pregnant-looking tummy. Men talk to me all the time now, even joining in my conversations that I'm having with other people. They smile at me and are extra friendly. Women - not so much. *laugh* But I get quite a bit of attention from workers and clerks and random guys on the street.

I mentioned this to my husband today and he grinned (I love the relationship we have) and said he could totally see it. He thinks it has something to do with the male instinct and that, subconsciously, me being with child makes a lot of men feel protective of me, in a way. I've never been exactly a shrinking violet, but I *have* needed a lot of extra help in the past few weeks with carrying items, scheduling things to be done in the house and so on. He thinks maybe there's some primal sense to being able to physically care for me right now that makes guys feel good.

The feminist part of myself isn't sure what to think about this. I've always taken a LOT of pride in being self sufficient and taking care of myself. It drives me batty, usually, when men take things out of my hands that I'm carrying or hold doors from me to try to be "chivalrous" when I'm standing there already. I hate not being listened to and for guys to try to do things for me after I've said "no thanks - I got it." And yet, with a physical need for the loss of this pride over the past few weeks, it seems to have boosted a lot of egos and brought guys happiness in some way. *laugh*

So, is it cultural, or primal? Am I sending off pregnancy pheromones, or is it that I'm truly more of a physical damsel in distress right now? Is it the weakness that makes me attractive, or the sense of duty men have in protecting a woman, or is it just that pregnant tummies are cute and make people happy?

I don't know. I'd love some ideas, though. This is a new phenomenon to me.

Yet another song - but I didn't write this one.

So, in other words, it's good. :D

I don't think this was ever meant to be a mother/baby song, but both times I've heard it now it speaks to me that way. It's called "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts.



I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.





I don't really believe in fate, and I don't believe that what we went through with all the fertility issues, failed adoptions, severe hyperstimulation, and IVF processes was "planned out" to happen as it did. I don't see God as a sadist. But I'm awfully grateful for where we are now in the process, and recognize that without all the pain over the past several years, we wouldn't be where we are currently. I will always miss our sweet Ayana, and ache for all the lost time where we were childless and hopeless. But I am SO thrilled to have the opportunity I have now, to carry our beautiful baby girl and give birth to her (hopefully) next month. She's truly our miracle.

I wrote a song.

(To the tune of "Do Your Ears Hang Low?")

Does your baby sit low?
Does she wiggle to and fro?
Can you snuggle her a lot?
Can you feel her little toes?

Does she push right on your bladder
and then go BOINGY BOINGY BOING?
Does your baby sit low?





*bows* I know. I'm musically gifted. I'll sign autographs later. ;)