Looks like it's a boy this time! :)

I'm feeling lots better. I found out part of why I was feeling so awful - somehow the flu followed me across the country (I thought I was being sneaky but it was sneakier I guess) and finally caught me here. The last few days haven't been puking my guts out sick, but after much exercise I feel sore and achy and my skin feels all ouchy and I'm flushed and exhausted. So I've taken a little time to rest and am starting to feel better.

We're staying in this temporary housing for now, so I unpacked the few things in our suitcases and got some Christmas decorations to put up around the apartment. Going to Illuminations (oh, how I missed that store) and to The Body Shop and getting bubble bath, then getting a wreath and poinsettias really did wonders for my soul. I feel like life's moving on, at least a little. :)

Ooh, and look at these trees we got from Illuminations! We didn't get the containers to put them in or the ice crystal-looking things or the floating candles. I have it set up a little differently (and less expensively!) in our apartment. But the trees are GORGEOUS! They're blown glass.



Now for the reason for my title -

So I talked with my cousin (well, actually my cousin's daughter, so technically she's my first cousin once removed) and she's totally on board with the adoption and really wants us to have the baby. She was nervous when we first started talking but once we chatted about the openness level we were both looking for with the adoption and saw how similar we were, she sounded SO happy. She had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby *thinks* two days ago, and called me again to tell me that while the baby was being a little shy, the doctor thinks it's a boy. :) So it sounds like we'll need to get a different carseat *laugh*, but we're happy to do that.

She had a meeting with her case worker earlier this week and is planning to tell them she's chosen us, so we're looking forward to getting things up and running on that end as soon as possible.

I'm very happy. I'm also very scared. Once burned, twice shy as the saying goes. But I'm taking deep breaths and praying that things will work out if it's the right decision and . . . we'll see how it goes. :)

My most appreciated and hated side effect of SSRIs

I can't cry.

Ok, saying that without qualification is untrue. I *can* cry, but it's incredibly difficult. When we found out we wouldn't be adopting the little girl, I cried off and on for several days. And when we left North Carolina and said goodbye to people, I shed a few tears.

But here's the thing. It just stops by itself, without warning, after just a few minutes (if that long). Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I'm not going around all emotional like I used to be. Crying at the drop of a hat or the first sign of a criticism isn't how I want to live. It's just really weird, feeling stress and frustration building up inside of my body and not feeling like I can just sit in a hot bathtub and cry it out.

I really wish I could cry right now. My body feels like a pressure cooker.

Kev starts his new job tomorrow, and is sick. We've just moved, and we went from being in a house all snug and cozy to getting it ready to show to getting everything packed and moved to flying all day to Seattle and staying with Kev's parents for a couple of days to a temporary living situation to a probable OTHER temporary living situation to . . . who knows? I feel like I can't even unpack. I hate that.

I want to work and put money away, but it's looking like we may be adopting my cousin's baby in a few months. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled. It's just that I just barely found out about it two days ago and I feel like I really don't have any idea of what's going on. But the back of my mind is worried she'll pull the plug on things like what happened before, so I don't know what to do - I don't want to sit around for four months, but I don't want to start something and take off after four months, either.

My mom isn't talking to me. And Kev's mom is in the middle of a bunch of crises of her own. We just found out my darling little niece has juvenile diabetes, my uncle is having heart problems, I haven't heard from Sara and that always worries me, and I'm trying to get my sister-in-law to get on medication so she can be happier in her marriage and do something with her life. My dad and his wife have been dealing with Susan's drug burned daughter and her mental issues. I feel like there's no one I can lean on right now because they all need to lean themselves.

I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like everything is up in the air. I feel so. alone. And what I want more than anything is to put my head on the table and just sob till the pressure and stress and fear are all gone.

But I can't. *sigh*