I so need a life. *laugh*

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." - Carl Jung

I'm sick of sitting home. I'm sick of having nothing to do all day but play on the computer, watch TV or think. When I saw it as useful, a means to an end, it was one thing. But now it's just existing, and I don't do well with merely existing.

Found out last night that ***** (name is just ***** right now so there's no way to track this blog to her and thus to me) has been using drugs during her pregnancy. To what extent is unknown, but we've had it verified since then that not only has she had a stint in rehab in the past, but she was drinking during the first trimester of her pregnancy.

I don't get this girl. She breaks up with the guy she's engaged to because he won't go to the temple but she seemingly has no problem going out and doing drugs? The irony kills me. *sigh*

The thing that hurts the most is that she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself. I found it all out from another family member she lived with for a time, and had to have it confirmed through my dad and through her adoption case worker. Do I have "take advantage of me" stamped across my forehead or something? I'm starting to wonder.

Her case worker told ours that ***** is the least reliable of all the birth mothers she's currently working with, and that she has significant emotional and mental issues. My case worker told me that her life was chaos, and it likely would never stop if we adopted this baby and she knew where we were.

I feel like the bottom of the barrel right now. No kids biologically, and now two adoptions that have fallen through (well, technically this one hasn't fallen through YET, but like hell I'm just going to sit by and take more emotional abuse and chaos for who knows how many years from people I'm trying to help out just as much as they are me). I've been told I'm meant to be a mother by many people in different capacities - all the way from being type cast as a mom roles in theatre to friends telling me they see me as a mom to kids asking me if I'll adopt them should anything happen to their parents to receiving a patriarchial blessing that specifically mentions me being a mother and talks about my children in this life.

So what is WRONG with me?

Intellectually, I know nothing is. I'm at a good age, not too young and not too old. I have a college degree. I have a strong marriage, and I'm relatively healthy. We make enough money to get by, though we're not anywhere approaching rich. I have good friends, a good support structure in my family, and wonderful contacts to help me and my someday kids make it through all aspects of life.

But knowing all that doesn't get rid of the little voice in the back of my head, the one I banished over a year ago, that likes to come back at times like this just to laugh and say "see? I told you. You're *not* good enough."

The thing is, so much of my energy and heart have been into the mom and wife thing for the last few years that I don't even *know* what I want to do or be at this point. Pathetic much? I always swore I'd never be like those women who completely lost themselves in their wifely and motherly duties. And in a cynical sort of way, I guess I haven't lost myself in those things since I have no motherly duties to speak of. *wry smile* So I guess I only have myself to blame.

I miss my old life. I miss my old friends and neighbors. I miss the zest for life everyone's always associated with me. I'm starting to wake up in the morning and ask myself who the old fat lady is that's taking over my skin.

The problem is, I don't know exactly how to go about changing things. Maybe I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis. *laugh* I just know something's gotta give, and it's gotta be soon, because this ain't working the way it is right now.