Listened to "Virginia Woolf" by the Indigo Girls yesterday before our IVF transfer and was amazed, as I am every time, at how this song speaks to me and touches my heart. It's one of those I could listen to all day and not get tired of.
It's long, so I'll condense it a bit.
Lyrics:
some will strut and some will fret
see this an hour on the stage
others will not but they'll sweat
in their hopelessness and their rage
we're all the same the men of anger
and the women of the page
they published your diary
and that's how i got to know you
the key to the room of your own and a mind without end
and here's a young girl
on a kind of a telephone line through time
and the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend
Chorus:
so i know i'm all right
life will come and life will go
still i feel it's all right
cause i just got a letter to my soul
and when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
empty pages for the no longer young
the apathy of time laughs in my face
you say "each life has its place"
(another verse here and chorus)
the place where you hold me
dark in a pocket of truth
the moon had swallowed the sun and the light of the earth
and so it was for you
when the river eclipsed your life
and sent your soul like a message in a bottle to me
and it was my rebirth
so we know we're all right
though life will come and life will go
still you'll feel it's all right
someone'll will get a letter to your soul
then you know you're all right
(various beautiful harmonious lines here)
and it's all right...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Please Read My Mind.
So I know I can't speak for everyone. Heck, I know I can't speak for anyone but myself. But I've been thinking for some time now and I wish some people just intuitively knew certain things about my fertility issues and the feelings I have about them.
Things I wish people could read my mind about:
1. I'm fragile. Like, REALLLLLY fragile. Two bummed adoptions and a failed IVF cycle in the space of a year make for a lot of really screwed up thought patterns about myself, my circumstances, and God. Please don't take it personally if I'm a little needy right now.
2. I seem cynical because I'm trying to protect myself. Please don't think I don't want to be pregnant because I seem to have little to no hope. I want to be pregnant more than anything right now, but it physically hurts to go through this process, and I am SO AFRAID of feeling like I've failed yet again.
3. I need to feel cared about for attributes other than my uterus' function, or lack thereof. Please continue to tell me about your day, your little annoyances, your excitements, and your own problems as though I'm not going through this. I need a sense of normalcy.
4. It's not your fault when I cry. You didn't "make" me cry. These are difficult issues for me and talking about them can be an emotional experience. My tears are a way of letting out some of that pressure. They start and stop randomly on their own (see the blog post on my most hated side effect of SSRIs), and sometimes something that didn't bring a quiver to my voice yesterday will today. It's okay.
5. I don't blame you for getting/being pregnant. *laugh* This one always gets me. If you get pregnant and are excited about it, why wouldn't you shout it to the world? I want to hear all the morning sickness stories and the first kick stories and the excitement and all the "new baby" stuff. Life is a miracle and as long as you want the baby, I couldn't be happier for you.
6. Please don't talk about how easy it is for you to get pregnant. I know this is easy to bring up with talking about #5, but in my warped mind it's a separate issue entirely and it rubs salt into the wound. Comments like "we just look at each other and I'm pregnant" or "we want to have a baby in about a year so I'll get pregnant in the next couple of months" cut deeply. I know that they shouldn't. But they do.
7. DO NOT TELL ME WE'LL BE LIKE JON AND KATE PLUS EIGHT. Seriously. I know you're trying to be funny, but it's not funny to me. It's incredibly irritating. It's only because I know you don't mean to irritate me that I don't tell you to shut. the. f*ck. up.
8. Ask me questions when you have them. Sure, some are uncomfortable. And sure, sometimes I may get a bit emotional. But the fact that you care enough to ask means a lot to me. I promise, if I get to a point where I don't want to talk, I'll tell you straight out (nicely, of course).
9. You don't have to say anything consoling. I mean, a well-placed "I'm here for you if you need to talk" always helps. But don't feel you have to tell me how sorry you are. You didn't do anything wrong. :) And please don't try to give me a pep talk with "have some faith" or "it only takes one" or "God works in mysterious ways." I know you say it because you don't know what to say. But it's really rather insensitive.
10. Help me be busy. No, don't feel you have to go out of your way to entertain me. But heck, if you want company to go grocery shopping, give me a call. Getting out of myself is incredibly helpful right now and doing things to help other people helps me feel like I do have SOME purpose to my life that I can fulfill. If I'm too tired or too depressed, I'll let you know. But most of the time, I'll be grateful for the company and fun.
Things I wish people could read my mind about:
1. I'm fragile. Like, REALLLLLY fragile. Two bummed adoptions and a failed IVF cycle in the space of a year make for a lot of really screwed up thought patterns about myself, my circumstances, and God. Please don't take it personally if I'm a little needy right now.
2. I seem cynical because I'm trying to protect myself. Please don't think I don't want to be pregnant because I seem to have little to no hope. I want to be pregnant more than anything right now, but it physically hurts to go through this process, and I am SO AFRAID of feeling like I've failed yet again.
3. I need to feel cared about for attributes other than my uterus' function, or lack thereof. Please continue to tell me about your day, your little annoyances, your excitements, and your own problems as though I'm not going through this. I need a sense of normalcy.
4. It's not your fault when I cry. You didn't "make" me cry. These are difficult issues for me and talking about them can be an emotional experience. My tears are a way of letting out some of that pressure. They start and stop randomly on their own (see the blog post on my most hated side effect of SSRIs), and sometimes something that didn't bring a quiver to my voice yesterday will today. It's okay.
5. I don't blame you for getting/being pregnant. *laugh* This one always gets me. If you get pregnant and are excited about it, why wouldn't you shout it to the world? I want to hear all the morning sickness stories and the first kick stories and the excitement and all the "new baby" stuff. Life is a miracle and as long as you want the baby, I couldn't be happier for you.
6. Please don't talk about how easy it is for you to get pregnant. I know this is easy to bring up with talking about #5, but in my warped mind it's a separate issue entirely and it rubs salt into the wound. Comments like "we just look at each other and I'm pregnant" or "we want to have a baby in about a year so I'll get pregnant in the next couple of months" cut deeply. I know that they shouldn't. But they do.
7. DO NOT TELL ME WE'LL BE LIKE JON AND KATE PLUS EIGHT. Seriously. I know you're trying to be funny, but it's not funny to me. It's incredibly irritating. It's only because I know you don't mean to irritate me that I don't tell you to shut. the. f*ck. up.
8. Ask me questions when you have them. Sure, some are uncomfortable. And sure, sometimes I may get a bit emotional. But the fact that you care enough to ask means a lot to me. I promise, if I get to a point where I don't want to talk, I'll tell you straight out (nicely, of course).
9. You don't have to say anything consoling. I mean, a well-placed "I'm here for you if you need to talk" always helps. But don't feel you have to tell me how sorry you are. You didn't do anything wrong. :) And please don't try to give me a pep talk with "have some faith" or "it only takes one" or "God works in mysterious ways." I know you say it because you don't know what to say. But it's really rather insensitive.
10. Help me be busy. No, don't feel you have to go out of your way to entertain me. But heck, if you want company to go grocery shopping, give me a call. Getting out of myself is incredibly helpful right now and doing things to help other people helps me feel like I do have SOME purpose to my life that I can fulfill. If I'm too tired or too depressed, I'll let you know. But most of the time, I'll be grateful for the company and fun.
Friday, January 4, 2008
I so need a life. *laugh*
"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." - Carl Jung
I'm sick of sitting home. I'm sick of having nothing to do all day but play on the computer, watch TV or think. When I saw it as useful, a means to an end, it was one thing. But now it's just existing, and I don't do well with merely existing.
Found out last night that ***** (name is just ***** right now so there's no way to track this blog to her and thus to me) has been using drugs during her pregnancy. To what extent is unknown, but we've had it verified since then that not only has she had a stint in rehab in the past, but she was drinking during the first trimester of her pregnancy.
I don't get this girl. She breaks up with the guy she's engaged to because he won't go to the temple but she seemingly has no problem going out and doing drugs? The irony kills me. *sigh*
The thing that hurts the most is that she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself. I found it all out from another family member she lived with for a time, and had to have it confirmed through my dad and through her adoption case worker. Do I have "take advantage of me" stamped across my forehead or something? I'm starting to wonder.
Her case worker told ours that ***** is the least reliable of all the birth mothers she's currently working with, and that she has significant emotional and mental issues. My case worker told me that her life was chaos, and it likely would never stop if we adopted this baby and she knew where we were.
I feel like the bottom of the barrel right now. No kids biologically, and now two adoptions that have fallen through (well, technically this one hasn't fallen through YET, but like hell I'm just going to sit by and take more emotional abuse and chaos for who knows how many years from people I'm trying to help out just as much as they are me). I've been told I'm meant to be a mother by many people in different capacities - all the way from being type cast as a mom roles in theatre to friends telling me they see me as a mom to kids asking me if I'll adopt them should anything happen to their parents to receiving a patriarchial blessing that specifically mentions me being a mother and talks about my children in this life.
So what is WRONG with me?
Intellectually, I know nothing is. I'm at a good age, not too young and not too old. I have a college degree. I have a strong marriage, and I'm relatively healthy. We make enough money to get by, though we're not anywhere approaching rich. I have good friends, a good support structure in my family, and wonderful contacts to help me and my someday kids make it through all aspects of life.
But knowing all that doesn't get rid of the little voice in the back of my head, the one I banished over a year ago, that likes to come back at times like this just to laugh and say "see? I told you. You're *not* good enough."
The thing is, so much of my energy and heart have been into the mom and wife thing for the last few years that I don't even *know* what I want to do or be at this point. Pathetic much? I always swore I'd never be like those women who completely lost themselves in their wifely and motherly duties. And in a cynical sort of way, I guess I haven't lost myself in those things since I have no motherly duties to speak of. *wry smile* So I guess I only have myself to blame.
I miss my old life. I miss my old friends and neighbors. I miss the zest for life everyone's always associated with me. I'm starting to wake up in the morning and ask myself who the old fat lady is that's taking over my skin.
The problem is, I don't know exactly how to go about changing things. Maybe I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis. *laugh* I just know something's gotta give, and it's gotta be soon, because this ain't working the way it is right now.
I'm sick of sitting home. I'm sick of having nothing to do all day but play on the computer, watch TV or think. When I saw it as useful, a means to an end, it was one thing. But now it's just existing, and I don't do well with merely existing.
Found out last night that ***** (name is just ***** right now so there's no way to track this blog to her and thus to me) has been using drugs during her pregnancy. To what extent is unknown, but we've had it verified since then that not only has she had a stint in rehab in the past, but she was drinking during the first trimester of her pregnancy.
I don't get this girl. She breaks up with the guy she's engaged to because he won't go to the temple but she seemingly has no problem going out and doing drugs? The irony kills me. *sigh*
The thing that hurts the most is that she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself. I found it all out from another family member she lived with for a time, and had to have it confirmed through my dad and through her adoption case worker. Do I have "take advantage of me" stamped across my forehead or something? I'm starting to wonder.
Her case worker told ours that ***** is the least reliable of all the birth mothers she's currently working with, and that she has significant emotional and mental issues. My case worker told me that her life was chaos, and it likely would never stop if we adopted this baby and she knew where we were.
I feel like the bottom of the barrel right now. No kids biologically, and now two adoptions that have fallen through (well, technically this one hasn't fallen through YET, but like hell I'm just going to sit by and take more emotional abuse and chaos for who knows how many years from people I'm trying to help out just as much as they are me). I've been told I'm meant to be a mother by many people in different capacities - all the way from being type cast as a mom roles in theatre to friends telling me they see me as a mom to kids asking me if I'll adopt them should anything happen to their parents to receiving a patriarchial blessing that specifically mentions me being a mother and talks about my children in this life.
So what is WRONG with me?
Intellectually, I know nothing is. I'm at a good age, not too young and not too old. I have a college degree. I have a strong marriage, and I'm relatively healthy. We make enough money to get by, though we're not anywhere approaching rich. I have good friends, a good support structure in my family, and wonderful contacts to help me and my someday kids make it through all aspects of life.
But knowing all that doesn't get rid of the little voice in the back of my head, the one I banished over a year ago, that likes to come back at times like this just to laugh and say "see? I told you. You're *not* good enough."
The thing is, so much of my energy and heart have been into the mom and wife thing for the last few years that I don't even *know* what I want to do or be at this point. Pathetic much? I always swore I'd never be like those women who completely lost themselves in their wifely and motherly duties. And in a cynical sort of way, I guess I haven't lost myself in those things since I have no motherly duties to speak of. *wry smile* So I guess I only have myself to blame.
I miss my old life. I miss my old friends and neighbors. I miss the zest for life everyone's always associated with me. I'm starting to wake up in the morning and ask myself who the old fat lady is that's taking over my skin.
The problem is, I don't know exactly how to go about changing things. Maybe I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis. *laugh* I just know something's gotta give, and it's gotta be soon, because this ain't working the way it is right now.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Looks like it's a boy this time! :)
I'm feeling lots better. I found out part of why I was feeling so awful - somehow the flu followed me across the country (I thought I was being sneaky but it was sneakier I guess) and finally caught me here. The last few days haven't been puking my guts out sick, but after much exercise I feel sore and achy and my skin feels all ouchy and I'm flushed and exhausted. So I've taken a little time to rest and am starting to feel better.
We're staying in this temporary housing for now, so I unpacked the few things in our suitcases and got some Christmas decorations to put up around the apartment. Going to Illuminations (oh, how I missed that store) and to The Body Shop and getting bubble bath, then getting a wreath and poinsettias really did wonders for my soul. I feel like life's moving on, at least a little. :)
Ooh, and look at these trees we got from Illuminations! We didn't get the containers to put them in or the ice crystal-looking things or the floating candles. I have it set up a little differently (and less expensively!) in our apartment. But the trees are GORGEOUS! They're blown glass.
Now for the reason for my title -
So I talked with my cousin (well, actually my cousin's daughter, so technically she's my first cousin once removed) and she's totally on board with the adoption and really wants us to have the baby. She was nervous when we first started talking but once we chatted about the openness level we were both looking for with the adoption and saw how similar we were, she sounded SO happy. She had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby *thinks* two days ago, and called me again to tell me that while the baby was being a little shy, the doctor thinks it's a boy. :) So it sounds like we'll need to get a different carseat *laugh*, but we're happy to do that.
She had a meeting with her case worker earlier this week and is planning to tell them she's chosen us, so we're looking forward to getting things up and running on that end as soon as possible.
I'm very happy. I'm also very scared. Once burned, twice shy as the saying goes. But I'm taking deep breaths and praying that things will work out if it's the right decision and . . . we'll see how it goes. :)
We're staying in this temporary housing for now, so I unpacked the few things in our suitcases and got some Christmas decorations to put up around the apartment. Going to Illuminations (oh, how I missed that store) and to The Body Shop and getting bubble bath, then getting a wreath and poinsettias really did wonders for my soul. I feel like life's moving on, at least a little. :)
Ooh, and look at these trees we got from Illuminations! We didn't get the containers to put them in or the ice crystal-looking things or the floating candles. I have it set up a little differently (and less expensively!) in our apartment. But the trees are GORGEOUS! They're blown glass.
Now for the reason for my title -
So I talked with my cousin (well, actually my cousin's daughter, so technically she's my first cousin once removed) and she's totally on board with the adoption and really wants us to have the baby. She was nervous when we first started talking but once we chatted about the openness level we were both looking for with the adoption and saw how similar we were, she sounded SO happy. She had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby *thinks* two days ago, and called me again to tell me that while the baby was being a little shy, the doctor thinks it's a boy. :) So it sounds like we'll need to get a different carseat *laugh*, but we're happy to do that.
She had a meeting with her case worker earlier this week and is planning to tell them she's chosen us, so we're looking forward to getting things up and running on that end as soon as possible.
I'm very happy. I'm also very scared. Once burned, twice shy as the saying goes. But I'm taking deep breaths and praying that things will work out if it's the right decision and . . . we'll see how it goes. :)
Sunday, December 2, 2007
My most appreciated and hated side effect of SSRIs
I can't cry.
Ok, saying that without qualification is untrue. I *can* cry, but it's incredibly difficult. When we found out we wouldn't be adopting the little girl, I cried off and on for several days. And when we left North Carolina and said goodbye to people, I shed a few tears.
But here's the thing. It just stops by itself, without warning, after just a few minutes (if that long). Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I'm not going around all emotional like I used to be. Crying at the drop of a hat or the first sign of a criticism isn't how I want to live. It's just really weird, feeling stress and frustration building up inside of my body and not feeling like I can just sit in a hot bathtub and cry it out.
I really wish I could cry right now. My body feels like a pressure cooker.
Kev starts his new job tomorrow, and is sick. We've just moved, and we went from being in a house all snug and cozy to getting it ready to show to getting everything packed and moved to flying all day to Seattle and staying with Kev's parents for a couple of days to a temporary living situation to a probable OTHER temporary living situation to . . . who knows? I feel like I can't even unpack. I hate that.
I want to work and put money away, but it's looking like we may be adopting my cousin's baby in a few months. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled. It's just that I just barely found out about it two days ago and I feel like I really don't have any idea of what's going on. But the back of my mind is worried she'll pull the plug on things like what happened before, so I don't know what to do - I don't want to sit around for four months, but I don't want to start something and take off after four months, either.
My mom isn't talking to me. And Kev's mom is in the middle of a bunch of crises of her own. We just found out my darling little niece has juvenile diabetes, my uncle is having heart problems, I haven't heard from Sara and that always worries me, and I'm trying to get my sister-in-law to get on medication so she can be happier in her marriage and do something with her life. My dad and his wife have been dealing with Susan's drug burned daughter and her mental issues. I feel like there's no one I can lean on right now because they all need to lean themselves.
I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like everything is up in the air. I feel so. alone. And what I want more than anything is to put my head on the table and just sob till the pressure and stress and fear are all gone.
But I can't. *sigh*
Ok, saying that without qualification is untrue. I *can* cry, but it's incredibly difficult. When we found out we wouldn't be adopting the little girl, I cried off and on for several days. And when we left North Carolina and said goodbye to people, I shed a few tears.
But here's the thing. It just stops by itself, without warning, after just a few minutes (if that long). Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I'm not going around all emotional like I used to be. Crying at the drop of a hat or the first sign of a criticism isn't how I want to live. It's just really weird, feeling stress and frustration building up inside of my body and not feeling like I can just sit in a hot bathtub and cry it out.
I really wish I could cry right now. My body feels like a pressure cooker.
Kev starts his new job tomorrow, and is sick. We've just moved, and we went from being in a house all snug and cozy to getting it ready to show to getting everything packed and moved to flying all day to Seattle and staying with Kev's parents for a couple of days to a temporary living situation to a probable OTHER temporary living situation to . . . who knows? I feel like I can't even unpack. I hate that.
I want to work and put money away, but it's looking like we may be adopting my cousin's baby in a few months. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled. It's just that I just barely found out about it two days ago and I feel like I really don't have any idea of what's going on. But the back of my mind is worried she'll pull the plug on things like what happened before, so I don't know what to do - I don't want to sit around for four months, but I don't want to start something and take off after four months, either.
My mom isn't talking to me. And Kev's mom is in the middle of a bunch of crises of her own. We just found out my darling little niece has juvenile diabetes, my uncle is having heart problems, I haven't heard from Sara and that always worries me, and I'm trying to get my sister-in-law to get on medication so she can be happier in her marriage and do something with her life. My dad and his wife have been dealing with Susan's drug burned daughter and her mental issues. I feel like there's no one I can lean on right now because they all need to lean themselves.
I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like everything is up in the air. I feel so. alone. And what I want more than anything is to put my head on the table and just sob till the pressure and stress and fear are all gone.
But I can't. *sigh*
Saturday, November 24, 2007
General factual bulemia right now :)
I'm in the binging part; on Thursday we'll start the purging. Doesn't that paint a lovely picture? ;)
So we're moving back to Seattle from the Raleigh area where we are now. Like, Thursday. Five freaking days. I'm not really sure how I feel about things - I think it's happening so fast I'm getting kind of a ripping off of a bandaid effect - quick and shocking, but without much time to think about the pain (or anything else).
Kev starts his new job on December 3. I have a few days to play when we get there and catch up with some friends and an old boss of mine, and then it's off to find a full-time job. It's insane. Our house hasn't sold yet but we are hopeful it will soon - we've had good feedback so far. We'd also like to get into a house in Washington somewhat soon as well. We won't be able to afford anything like we have here, but at least it'll be a place of our own, and should start appreciating again relatively soon.
Christmas is coming - got main presents for Kevin, his mom, his siblings and their families, and myself. Still have a lot to do. Not sure how we'll pay for everything this year - finances are stretched really tight - but we'll manage. It should get a little easier when I start working again.
We have a showing for like 30 realtors Tuesday morning, and then the movers come on Wednesday and Thursday. We leave Thursday afternoon, so still need to get someone to supervise after we've gone to the airport and find a good reputable place to come after we're gone and do a thorough cleaning of everything.
Adoption stuff is slow, but we might be taking in an 18-year-old if all works out that way. Still in the very beginning stages on that, and Kev wants a little time to think about it as well, understandably.
AND, I'm starting to prepare for my GRE. Hope to take that in late spring or during the summer, but have months of studying to do between now and then.
My mom's still not talking to me. We're on our third month right now. I'm sad she feels the way she does, but I really don't think I could take the extra pressure trying to keep her happy entails right now. But I want to have a better attitude that way.
Last day of church in NC tomorrow. No idea what ward we'll be in in WA. Still don't know where Microsoft is putting us up when we get there, but if push comes to shove we can move in with Kev's parents for now.
Sheesh - when I type it all out (and this is only a partial list, though it's all the big stuff), no wonder I feel like I want to hide my head under a rock for the next six months. How in the world is all this going to come together?
*sigh* I hate stress. Unfortunately, stress seems to love me.
So we're moving back to Seattle from the Raleigh area where we are now. Like, Thursday. Five freaking days. I'm not really sure how I feel about things - I think it's happening so fast I'm getting kind of a ripping off of a bandaid effect - quick and shocking, but without much time to think about the pain (or anything else).
Kev starts his new job on December 3. I have a few days to play when we get there and catch up with some friends and an old boss of mine, and then it's off to find a full-time job. It's insane. Our house hasn't sold yet but we are hopeful it will soon - we've had good feedback so far. We'd also like to get into a house in Washington somewhat soon as well. We won't be able to afford anything like we have here, but at least it'll be a place of our own, and should start appreciating again relatively soon.
Christmas is coming - got main presents for Kevin, his mom, his siblings and their families, and myself. Still have a lot to do. Not sure how we'll pay for everything this year - finances are stretched really tight - but we'll manage. It should get a little easier when I start working again.
We have a showing for like 30 realtors Tuesday morning, and then the movers come on Wednesday and Thursday. We leave Thursday afternoon, so still need to get someone to supervise after we've gone to the airport and find a good reputable place to come after we're gone and do a thorough cleaning of everything.
Adoption stuff is slow, but we might be taking in an 18-year-old if all works out that way. Still in the very beginning stages on that, and Kev wants a little time to think about it as well, understandably.
AND, I'm starting to prepare for my GRE. Hope to take that in late spring or during the summer, but have months of studying to do between now and then.
My mom's still not talking to me. We're on our third month right now. I'm sad she feels the way she does, but I really don't think I could take the extra pressure trying to keep her happy entails right now. But I want to have a better attitude that way.
Last day of church in NC tomorrow. No idea what ward we'll be in in WA. Still don't know where Microsoft is putting us up when we get there, but if push comes to shove we can move in with Kev's parents for now.
Sheesh - when I type it all out (and this is only a partial list, though it's all the big stuff), no wonder I feel like I want to hide my head under a rock for the next six months. How in the world is all this going to come together?
*sigh* I hate stress. Unfortunately, stress seems to love me.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Yummy!
| You Are Mud Pie |
 You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth. You are overpowering and dominant - and that's what people like about you. You bring energy and a new direction to most interactions. People crave you in a serious way. You're that important to them. Those who like you give into their impulses. You don't represent reason. You represent pure temptation. People get addicted to you rather easily. You offer people a dark side that is very hard to resist. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
